God Sent Me An Angel...By My Hubby

Hey guys, my name is Bobby, and I am the luckiest guy on the planet! I get to spend my years with my wife, best friend, lover, partner, mother of my children, cuddle buddy, and everything in between. Can you guess who that is? You guessed it, that’s Tonya, the creator of this awesome blog. I want to share with you all a bit of our story and how I know without a doubt that God sent me an Angel.

Let me take ya way back to 1999 when this all began..... 

Tonya’s dad worked for the Illinois Department of Corrections in Southern Illinois and was transferred to Northern Illinois to be the Warden of a prison in my hometown. My step dad also worked at this prison. When Tonya’s dad moved to town, he was alone because school was still in session and Tonya & her sister were finishing up the school year & Tonya was getting ready to graduate from High School. Once school was out, Tonya, her mom and sister would move up to their new house. Her dad (Mark) and my step dad (Donnie) quickly became really good friends.  We had Mark over for dinners and hung out, it seemed all the time. After getting to know Mark, he showed us pictures of his family and I was absolutely taken back after seeing a picture of Tonya. I was like WOWZA, that’s your daughter?  Is she moving here?! Like, when?! Mark said that she would be in town in a couple of weeks and that we would all get together for a cookout. I was like, gotta get that on the calendar!

Well, let me fast forward a bit to save time, we met, she had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, but we had this connection that was unexplainable. We hung out all the time with our parents, watched movies together with our younger sisters like we were just this big happy family. Our families seriously hung out every weekend. 

 Here is where it takes a turn, not so much in my favor, after living in Northern Illinois for just 6-7 months, she decided to move back to Southern Illinois to be with her boyfriend and she was gone. I was devastated!  I knew she would visit occasionally, but that wasn’t what I wanted. After a few weeks of moping around, I moved on with my life with my girlfriend. As you can imagine, the whole time Tonya lived in Galesburg, my girlfriend and I’s relationship went south. She was so happy to see Tonya go because then that meant I was back to spending time with her. However, that was short lived because I was a senior, prepping for graduation, excelling in golf, and busy trying to figure out what college/university I was going to attend.  I had also decided that I wanted to go off to college a free man, which meant we would soon be calling it quits anyway. I landed at Lincoln College in Lincoln, IL with a golf scholarship and spent my next 2 years there. I completely went against what I had said I wouldn’t do the whole summer, and that was started dating another girl. A girl that I had had a crush on since junior high. We dated until the fall of 2001. She broke up with me because she said I traveled too much with golf & was never around to spend time with her.

Okay, so here is where God comes in….

I was devastated AGAIN, the girl I had a crush on since junior high broke up with me, the girl (Tonya) who never left my mind was gone and we had no contact. I had tried multiple times to see her when I was in Southern Illinois with golf, but she never responded because she was being the good girlfriend to her boyfriend and not wanting to see or talk to me. Well, the same exact same night that my girlfriend broke up with me, Tonya broke up with her boyfriend.  CRAZY, right?!  

My buddies were wanting to cheer me up, so we were going to party and celebrate the freedom!  No more girls to complicate my life, I would now be able to focus all of my attention on golf.  About 45 minutes after we got everything set up in my dorm room to party, I get this weird phone call to my cell phone. I didn’t recognize the number, but answered anyway. On the other end of the line was this girl, she started talking to me & said…“Do you know who this is?” I said, “I have no clue!” She says, “Well, I just got off the phone with my mom and she said I had better call you, because you just got dumped and maybe the two of us can sob together.” At this point I am was so confused....she still hasn’t told me her name or fessed up any other information.

Finally, she tells me, “This is Tonya.” I was jumping around my room like I had just hit the biggest hole in one in my life! My buddies (all 12 of them) were playing video games, eating pizza, and partaking in a little “Miller time” if you will. I told them “Boys, this is going to take awhile, you might want to move the party and I’ll catch up with you later.”

They looked at me like I was crazy but obliged, and moved the party. We talked for hours, if my memory serves me correctly, we talked from like 8:30/9pm to like 3am. This went on every night for the next coming weeks. We made the decision to try a long distance relationship with her living in Southern Illinois and me living in Central Illinois about 3 hours apart. I still had golf to play, and lots of travel involved. She was working lots of hours and going to school as well. I would sneak to see her every chance I had and she did the same. Her mom knew we were sneaking, but her dad, nor my parents knew we had been spending time together. Our families got together after Christmas in Southern Illinois and it was all based around us getting to hang out and see each other for “the first time” but that wasn’t at all true. We acted so excited to see each other in front of our parents to put on a show. It was hilarious!!!!

Our parents absolutely loved the fact that we were together. My mom often said this was the happiest she had ever seen me and Tonya’s parents said the same about Tonya.

I graduated from Lincoln College in May 2002 and moved to Southern Illinois to be with Tonya and attend SIU- Carbondale for my remaining 2 years. Our lives have never been the same since that night we started talking on the phone!

We have been together for a total of 10 years, 6 ½ of which we've been married. 

We have 2 gorgeous boys- Parker and Griffin who keep us both very, very busy!

This is where it gets mushy….yeah, I get a little emotional when I talk about her.

Tonya is the person that, when you meet her, you know exactly what she is all about. She is Godly, loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, funny, loves to laugh, and gives life her all. She means everything to me. She is more than just a spouse, friend, cuddle buddy, partner, mom, etc… She is a Proverbs 31 woman. 

I am certain God sent me an Angel.

 God has our best interest at heart....

The plan for my life has not been text book with my dad passing when I was just 13, two grandparents passing, and four great grandparents passing by the age of 16. My mom married my step dad-which truly made all this possible because he worked at the prison that started this whole thing. 

I’ve often have said that, if God would have sat me down and said  

“Son, this is what your life is going to look like…” 

 I would’ve said, “ I’ll take it.”

Thank you Tonya for allowing me to share part of our story with your readers.

Realizing His Love For You....{Day 30}

"SEEK TO LIVE IN MY LOVE, which covers a multitude of sins: both yours & others'. Wear My Love like a cloak of Light, covering you from head to toe. Have no fear, for perfect Love decimates fear. Look at other people through lenses of Love; see them from My perspective. this is how you walk in the Light, and it pleases Me.

I want My Body of believers to be radiant with the Light of My Presence. How I grieve when pockets of darkness increasingly dim the Love-Light. Return to Me, you First Love! Gaze at Me in the splendor of holiness, and My Love will once again envelop you in Light." 

(Jesus Calling, June 9, pg. 168)


Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

 (1 Peter 4:8)


In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:16)

What have you done lately to let your Love-Light shine?

Realizing His Love For You....{Day 29}

"NOTHING CAN SEPARATE YOU from My Love. Let this divine assurance trickle through your mind and into your heart and soul. Whenever you start to feel fearful or anxious, repeat this unconditional promise: "Nothing can separate me from Your Love, Jesus."

Most of mankind's misery stems from feeling unloved. In the midst of adverse circumstances, people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn and they have been forsaken. This feeling of abandonment is often worse than the adversity itself. Be assured that I never abandon  any of My children, not even temporarily. I will never leave you or forsake you! My Presence watches over you continually. I have engraved you on the palms of My hands."
(Jesus Calling, August 1st, pg. 224)

God's Love at Relevant 2010

I'm so happy to be a guest here at Love of Family and Home!

 I'm Heathahlee (but you can just call me Heather) and I blog at Butterfly Genes. I'm also on Twitter @Butterfly_Genes and Facebook at facebook.com/butterflygenesblog. I'd love for you to come visit!

When Tonya asked if I had a story of God's love, I knew immediately which one I'd share. It was about this time last year, as a matter of fact.

On October 4, 2010, my precious Momma went home to Jesus after a six-year long battle with breast cancer. Losing her was so hard, and I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I had planned long before we knew Momma was going to be so sick to go to Relevant, a Christian bloggers conference, at the end of October. I was so looking forward to the trip, just because I needed a time of healing and being refreshed in my spirit.

But I never expected what happened. From the moment the plane took off in Memphis, I knew this was going to be a special trip. I'm tearing up as I'm typing just because the memory stirs my heart to this day. I've never seen the city, still draped in darkness at my early flight time, look so sparkly beautiful. The rest of the flight was just as beautiful. It was like the Lord was just letting my spirit rest in His beauty, even if some of it was man made (the Chicago skyline always makes me smile).

When I stepped foot into the Sheraton's entry, I was greeted by the warmest "It's Heathahlee!" from Sarah Mae, who hugged me tightly and said she wanted to talk more later, which we did. I was so encouraged by her willingness to take the time to talk, even though she had so many more responsibilities. She even grabbed Teri Lynne to take her place when she was worried about me being by myself.

My roommate, Tracey, had gone to lunch and would meet me later. I went up to our room to find this...We had had a conversation about candy corn being my favorite candy, and do you see the "H" tissues? She figured I'd need them for the weekend. We met and it was like we had known each other forever.

The rest of the weekend was like that...one sweet surprise after another. I met Traci and Cyndi, who had lost their mother the year before, and Michelle, who had lost hers in June. Coincidence? I think not. Traci and Cyndi were so encouraging. Michelle and I didn't talk much but we did give each other great big hugs and cried great big tears on each other.

Then I met Ann. Oh, my goodness. The woman exudes Jesus. At the time I got to meet her, she had 200 other women who wanted to talk to her and get her autograph, yet she took the time to truly listen to my babbling on and on about losing my mother and how God was so good...she was so gracious.

All this time, throughout the whole conference, I'm just thinking over and over how good God was being to me. The more things happened the more I thought that. But Saturday night was the finishing touch.

I was privileged to help lead worship that night with Adam, Sarah Mae's worship leader at the time, and Jen, which was yet another way I felt the Lord just tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Here's some more of My love...." Adam had us read portions of Psalm 66 in between each song. I didn't read mine beforehand. I really should have. Mine was verses 16-20:

Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayeror withheld his love from me!

(Emphasis added by me)

Needless to say, I wept for a good 2 or so minutes before I could even speak. I just couldn't get over how much love He was pouring on me. I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by His love. But He wasn't done yet.

As we worshiped, I watched the ladies as they worshiped as well. One of them stood out to me as she sang and jumped and lifted her hands in praise to the Father. I couldn't watch her for long, because I can't sing when I'm crying! Being there, leading in worship, watching those women praise their Savior...it was as if the Lord was saying..."Aaaand here's some more...."

I will never forget that experience. I'm going back to Relevant this year. I'm in a different place in life this time, and I don't expect to have the same experiences as I did last year. But I will go, still expecting God to show me His love.

Because that's just what He does.

God's Love Provides...

Hello! My name is Traci, and I blog at Beneath My Heart.

When Tonya emailed me about her series, I knew I wanted to participate. I have experience God's great love in a million different ways, but His love has become even more real to me over the past two years since my mom passed away. You can read about her story HERE.

It is amazing to me how during the most difficult time in my life, I have felt the most loved by God.

God's love was very evident this past summer when my dad remarried. I wrote about it in a post on my blog. I wanted to share it with you today.

************************************************

Gosh. This is the hard part...trying to put into words all the emotions I have felt about my dad getting remarried.

I don't really even know where to begin.

In many ways, I am still dealing with the emotions of losing Mom. She will have been gone 2 years this coming September. I still miss her terribly.

She was my very best friend.

Her influence on my life is everlasting.

But the hard truth is...my mom is gone. I will not ever see her again on this earth. And that hurts.

Bad.

But I have the promise that I will see her again in heaven, and I am so very thankful.

And so life must move on. Slowly at times. Painfully at times. But it moves on.

My boys are growing.

My niece got married and is expecting her first child.

I've moved into a new home.

Seasons have passed.

Holidays have been celebrated.

Mom's still gone.

One of the hardest parts of loosing Mom has been watching my dad live without her.

When Mom passed away, he moved in my with sister and her husband. He never spent a single night in his old home without mom.

There is no way he could have. Her fingerprints were on every inch of that house. The curtains she had made. The pictures she had hung. The dishes she had washed. The furniture she had moved around a million times. :)

Living there without her would have been impossible for Dad.

When Dad first moved in with my sister, he was surrounded with so much love and support. Meals were brought to him, cards were sent to him, everyone was spending time with him.

But then something happens.

Life moves on. The cards stop. The visits stop. The meals stop.

The day to day life without Mom had begun for my dad. And he was lonely.

One thing you need to know about my dad is he is a big, loveable teddy bear!

He loves BIG! He loves to love and loves to be loved. His family is everything to him.

Nothing makes him more happy than spending time with his family.

Whenever we were together, you would almost always hear Dad say at some point, "Life doesn't get any better than this."

Dad never needed the riches of this world to make him happy. His wealth was found in the loved ones around him.

Dad lived a year and a half without Mom before meeting Janet. To some that may seem like a short amount of time. Dad was married to my Mom for 44 wonderful years, so I cannot help but think that a year and a half without her must have felt like an eternity to him.

This past winter, my sister and I were really worried about him. He wasn't himself anymore. He seemed so depressed.

We wanted our dad back.

And then gratefully, Dad met Janet...

There were many circumstances around Dad and Janet meeting that made me realize that God was up to something.

My sister, Cyndi, actually called me a few weeks before Dad met Janet to tell me that she had met the sweetest lady at her dentist's office. She even said, "She reminded me so much of Mom." (Yep. She was talking about Janet.) :)

A couple of weeks later, a church golfin' buddy of Dad's mentioned that he should ask his sister-in-law out. (Yep. He was talking about Janet.) ;)

Dad called Janet that week, and they went out for the first time on a blind date.

There was a instant connection, and they were inseparable from that point on. And I know why. Janet is so much like my mom it is unbelievable!

To find out Dad was dating someone was hard. But when I saw how happy my dad was, it made it easier.

And then when I met Janet, I knew. Again, I knew that God was up to something.

Ya'll, I cannot even begin to express what an amazing woman Janet is. You only have to spend a couple minutes with her before you fall in love with her.

She is warm, gracious, loveable, classy, fun, sensitive, compassionate, and loves Jesus with all her heart.

But she knows great loss too.

Janet was blessed with two sons. However, her youngest son was killed in a car accident on his 16th birthday. I cannot even imagine the depth of grief she has endured. And I know that her life experiences have brought her to a place where she can love and support my dad in his grief.

Dad told me about a time when they were dating that they went to get something from the storage shed where he was storing some of his belongings. Dad found an anniversary card from my mom and showed it to Janet. He began weeping. The pain was still there. Dad said Janet put her arms around him and began weeping with him.

She knows and understands loss.

How great is our God?! To put two such people together to share in life's journey.

I have to tell you honestly, that I have never felt more loved by God than I have during this time. Dad could have lived his remaining years on this earth sad, lonely, and incomplete. Or he could have married someone out of despair, someone that wasn't right for him or our family. I have heard stories of a parent remarrying to someone who splits the whole family apart. That would have been devastating.

But God in His goodness does not just give my dad just anyone, or someone "good enough". He gave my dad (and my family) His very BEST when He gave us Janet.

She loves my dad so much. She loves me so much. She loves my boys so much.

She has filled up a hole in our family.

Don't get me wrong. She has not replaced my mom. Not ever. And Janet doesn't want to. She wants to honor my mom by loving on her family.

She told me she wants to talk about my mom often so that my boys have many memories of her.

The other night, Adam and Eli spent the night at Dad and Janet's. Before the boys went to bed, Janet read some books to them.

Eli, my 4 year old (whom I am afraid will not remember my mom), said, "Miss Janet, my nana used to read me books!"

To which Janet replied, "I know she did, Eli. And you know why? Because your Nana loved you sooooooo much!"

When I heard that, I cried.

How good it felt to know that Janet was reminding my son of my precious mother who loved him sooooooo much.

See why I feel so loved by God?

So how did I feel when Dad got married?

Well, that day before the wedding, I felt fine. I was busy getting me and the boys ready for the wedding. When I arrived at Janet's home, I was able to meet Janet's side of the family, who are so kind and loving as well.

When the ceremony began, I felt a little nervous for Dad. I could tell he was nervous (even though he said he wasn't). :)

Then it came to the part of the ceremony where they exchanged their vows, and I began to cry.

I began to hurt deeply.

Happy for my dad and Janet, yet angry that my mom was gone.

It should have been MY MOM up on that deck renewing her wedding vows with my dad in front of her children and grandchildren!!!

I could just see Mom on that deck, and her sweet face looking over her shoulder at all of us and smiling. SHE LOVED HER FAMILY MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!

I must have swallowed a million times, desperately trying to swallow down the tears. I didn't want to lose it in front of Janet's family, or Janet, or Dad.

I wiped the tears away as quickly as I could, and pulled myself together.

After the ceremony, I went onto the deck to hug Janet and Dad. My heart was truly rejoicing for them.

Then I slipped into the house and headed to the bathroom to get some tissues. On my way down hallway, I saw my sister. Our eyes caught each other, and without saying a word, we knew. We knew what the other was feeling.

She followed me into the bathroom, and we began sobbing. Sobbing out loud. We missed our mom.

Then I told Cyndi we needed to get it together! We were hurting, but we had to stop! We had to go back out and celebrate. Mom would have wanted us to.

We freshened up our makeup so it wouldn't look like we had been crying and went outside to take some wedding pictures with the rest of the family. I was able to keep it together the rest of the time. It was such an honor to spend time with Janet's family. She has 3 grandchildren of her own who are the light of her life! Janet's mom is still living, and she is the cutest thing ever. (See her in the pink blouse in the middle of the picture? Precious!) I loved being able to get to know her better too.

It was a beautiful day and a beautiful ceremony.

Before Dad and Janet left, Janet handed me a hand-written card. She actually handed one to me, my husband, my brother, his wife, my sister, and her husband...one for each of us.

If you have followed my blog since Mom's passing, and have read my Wednesdays with Wanda posts, then you know what a beautiful writer my mom was. And you know that my mom wrote me many, many letters from when I was a child until I was an adult. And you know how much my mom's hand-written notes have blessed my life since she has passed. They are treasures to me.

For Janet to give me a hand-written note on HER wedding day reminded me of Mom. She would have done the same thing. And it was just another reminder of how much God loves me. He has placed someone in my life who loves to write me notes. :)

I asked her if it was okay for me to share it with you and she said, "yes."

I wanted to share it with you so you could see Janet's beautiful heart.

How could I ask for more?

Thank you, Jesus, for caring about every little detail of my life and loving me so much!

Thank you, Jesus, for Janet.

Could God Really Want Me?

Hi there Love of Family and Home readers!

Isn't Tonya just fabulous?  A sweetheart, a budding talented photographer,and a crafty/decor genius...a total triple threat of talent! It would be easy to covet all her gifts but God knows how to bless us all in magnificent ways and I will share my greatest blessing TODAY!

First, let me introduce myself.  I'm Jessica and I write a craft blog called Two Shades of Pink. 

 I'm happily married and have two little girls...my Two Shades of Pink. I craft for a local magazine and I just adore everything about the creative process.  I love working with fabric, yarn, paper, and all things decor.  Peek in anytime to see what project I am up to next and please say hi.  I would love to meet you and make a new friend!

Today I wanted to share with you the most life changing, monumental moment of my life. The day I met Jesus.  In fact...it was 15 years ago today.  And I can't think of anything more special then to share this story on this precious day. The story of  how I came to believe what I do and why my life so desperately needed saving.

So let's travel back to the night of October 26, 1996.

I was a junior in college, 20 years old and that year I was the Resident Assistant for my dorm hall.  And as many of you already know...when you are an RA, you have some weekends where you are on active duty and can not leave your room in order to be available for floor residents while making hall rounds to check on rooms and such. Someone can visit you but you are required to stay in your room to be available.

But one particular weekend, my friend Ben, also an RA,  was on duty and he invited me to watch a movie with him. Ah yes, but Ben was my secret crush and this invite meant that maybe...possibly...perhaps...my crush had decided to crush me back and we would partake in some kissy kissy-smoochie smoochie.

Let us rewind some more...

My first 20 years of life were typical...kind of ordinary.  My parents divorced when I was 6 months old and I lived with my mother and stepfather who married when I was 3.  My father was VERY much a part of my life and though he lived 3 1/2 hours away, he traveled every other weekend to pick me up and drive me back to his house.  We are still incredibly close and I love my father and stepmother so much.

As I grew up I was a normal kind of girl. I could be shy but bossy too. I was sensitive, learned things quickly, kind of a tomboy but loved all things clothes, hair, and shoes. But starting around 2nd grade, I became an easy target. Bullied.  Ganged up on by other girls. And of course...hurt.  As I got older, I was always on the cusp of popularity but never quite "a popular girl."  There was always a few girls who bullied me and I will never forget the day I said...no more.  I was 13 when I decided that I was going to get tough.  I don't know how or what happened but I became kind of  a bully of bullies. A self imposed Robin Hood I suppose.  It was not right but it was a survival mechanism that seemed to work. And with it, came a very outspoken sometimes volatile attitude. My offense was ANGER. Other factors in my life contributed to this but the main point was I was someone who would rather strike first then be beaten down...one more time. But this persona seemed to be gateway for some rebellion. That was when I  started smoking...getting high...and drinking in the woods after school.

This went with me into high school but then I began to grow up a bit more. I even started standing up for myself in a more dignified fashion. I had lots of friends, played field hockey and lacrosse, wrote for the school newspaper, tutored...you name it...I did it.  But I was also kind of a loner.  Self inflicted isolation.  Oh, I had friends.  But I walked alone, hung out with people from all walks of life yet never committed to a group of friends.  I was never quite able to fit in anywhere.  I seldom dated but I thought a boy...any boy...would be my knight in shining armor and whisk me away to bliss and happiness.  I knew if someone loved me...really loved me...I would find meaning in this daily fog I trudged through. This "system" of life that seemed to be pointless yet I pressed on because what else do you do?  

Then...During high school I lost my virginity. 

There it is.  The beginning of my belief that I was worthless.  I had clung to my purity merely because my parents told me I was supposed to.  But following the mandate of fallible man is difficult since parents let us down, disappoint us, become shockingly imperfect, and for me, the catalyst to drive me towards rebellion.  

I cringe at the thought that my parents do occasionally visit my blog. And may read this. This is not the topic of conversation that is revisited for nostalgia's sake.  Nope, this is just not discussed. No one wants to think of their little girl making choices that were not their choices for her.  Or the ones I thought I would make.

But I was craving something and looking for it in the depths of the pit and mire.  I wanted to be...Wanted.  Loved.  Accepted. Pursued.  Cherished.

So I gave away the only thing that should have been given to the man reading his book behind me. I was on a quest.  And I kept looking and giving away chunks of me.  Over and over. Because I believed I was worthless yet I kept searching for the one who would tell me otherwise. And giving myself away in the process.

During my junior year of college, something began stirring within me.  And early in October I started going to a church nearby that was the denomination I grew up in.  I felt joy and peace while there yet when I left, I felt bereft of the pure joy I had just experienced.  I somehow could not take it with me.  For weeks, I felt on the verge of something life changing but I had no idea what it was.  

Now back to the night of October 26, 1996.   

I arrive at Ben's room, looking cute and knowing that this may well be the night I conquer my crush. He shall be mine because why else does a BOY invite a GIRL over to watch a movie?

First thing that happened...he left the door open. Say what?  Where is our privacy to talk?  Anyone walking down the hall could walk right in.

Precisely.

You see, Ben was probably the most popular guy at our small little college.  He was outgoing, CRAZY, fun, sweet, and nice to everyone, smart (pre-med biology major) and more importantly IN LOVE WITH JESUS.  Some would say he was a FREAK for Jesus. He would probably concur.

Well, on this night we got silly and began dancing to this song a friend of mine had just introduced to me.  Some band called DC TALK singing a song about being In the Light.  After we jumped around the room like 3 year olds, he sat down next to me and asked me if I understood what it meant to be in the light as He is in the light. 

Um, no.  But I answered yes anyway because, helllooo? I needed to look smart and make an impression here. But he explained what it means for Jesus to be my light and salvation.  And funny as it seems, my eyes did not glaze over. But my spiritual interrogation began.  And sadly, I must confess it was not because I was on the verge of a Holy Spirit awakening.  It was because I needed to find out if he would date someone who did not believe as he did. Oh, the humiliation. 

But my very first question that came out of my mouth surprised even me.  "Ben?  Why do you have so much joy?  I don't have that."

His answer?  Simply and succinctly.  "Jesus Christ."

And so began the conversation that changed my life. At one point he asks me a poignant question that I answered as a complete lie because again...my hope was to appear smart.  He asked me if I believed in heaven and hell.  So I told him I believed in heaven but only a personal hell (whaaaat?) of your own making.

As I was talking, I started thinking, "Well how philosophically ridiculous of you, Jessica. You don't even believe that."  I had no idea what I was talking about yet this pseudo intellectualism kept rolling off my tongue. 

And Ben's response still gives me goosebumps.

"I can assure you there is a hell." 

Y'all, he said it with such authority that I became absolutely still.  My heart beat slowed and I remember wondering why he stopped me in my tracks.  If you have ever read about Jesus in the bible, you know that people kept wondering at how Jesus could talk with such authority.  And I believe right then and there that Jesus got my attention through this man.

And Ben told me all about what it means to know God personally.  And I remember in the midst of it asking Ben the very question I wanted to know..."Could you ever be with someone who did not share your faith?"

His answer?  One so chilling and brutally honest that I thought him incredible to utter such words.  He said, "No I could not.  I could not imagine a life with someone where whenever I laid down next to her each night, I would cry myself to sleep knowing that our eternities were different."

Wow. If he had not captured my attention before...he had it then. Could I really be destined for an eternity APART from God?  Why?  I was a good person.  I made mistakes but I was no different from anyone else.  I lived morally.  Trustworthy.  I did not shoot people for fun. I had a heart for the elderly for crying out loud!  Why would I be lumped with murderers, rapists, and thieves?

Because I cherished my sin and never let Jesus pay for it for me.  

As Ben began explaining what it means to be saved, I began realizing that this was not for me. I began thinking about my list of wrongs.  All the things I had done up to that point.  Drugs.  Drinking.  Sacrificing my purity.  My anger.  My selfishness. My poor decisions.   Why on earth would God want me?

Ben actually took one of those little tract things to explain it to me.  To this day, I wonder at his methods since he was someone who not only knew verses...he could quote chapters of the bible. He was wise beyond his years and God blessed him in the area of exhortation and truth.  Yet, he used a little book to explain to me that God loved me.  

When he got to the end where there was an example of a prayer to receive salvation from Christ, He asked me to read it 3 times to really understand the words.  Then asked if he could pray for me.  I said of course, since who turns down prayer?

What I did no realize was he was going to pray for me in that moment and then he did the most courageous thing I have ever seen...right then and there he got on his knees in the middle of the room.

For me. I was so stunned.  I kept thinking, I could laugh at him. I could walk out. I could even become angry.  But I was incredibly moved by an act so selfless.

And as I read that prayer I sensed a change.  The first time I read it, I knew Jesus would not want me.  Why would he?  I was filthy with sin and undeserving.  

And Ben still prayed.  On his knees, head bowed, eyes closed.  For me.

The second time I read it, I thought, "Could God really want me?  Sin and all?"

And Ben still prayed.

The third time I read it I knew.  I wanted Jesus.  Not because of Ben and my little crush.  Not to impress anyone.  I just knew I wanted what Jesus was offering.  Jesus was assuring me that I was...

Wanted.  Loved.  Accepted. Pursued.  Cherished.

Ben raised his head from prayer and said..."Do you want to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?"

My response?

"I just did."

And I began to sob this cleansing sobbing that comes from being renewed.  It was the most exhilarating, precious moment of my life.  Suddenly all the chaos and aimlessness of life vortexed into the truth that Jesus Christ died for my sins.  And loved me.  Just as I was.  I needed no prepping, no fixing up.  He took me as I was. I then knew the true meaning of peace.

And Ben cried.  He cried!  For me!  And all of a sudden I knew my life would never be the same.

I told Ben not to tell anyone what happened.  So he told everyone because he was BEYOND excited.  You see, I found out the next day from my friend Pete that Ben had told a bunch of people to be praying for me.  He had said that God spoke clearly that I was going to know Christ and be His. Still gives me God bumps. So for 2 weeks, all these people on campus, who I only knew a little...prayed for me. 

And I can assure you my life has NEVER, EVER been the same.  I want so desperately to explain in detail what I was delivered from.  My story seems so mild.  Yet my parents do not believe as I do and breaking their hearts is something I do not want to do. But I am a changed person.  Drastically changed.  You would not have wanted to know me. I had an edge about me that Jesus softened.  I was guarded.  Constantly held high expectations for friends. Easily angered.  So selfish that it bordered on narcissistic. Obnoxious.

But God tempered me when I realized He made me for a purpose.  And that people were not who I was to live for.  But for Him.  Now I rejoice that I am no longer a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness. That I have life eternal with my heavenly Father who has never, ever let me down. I am as imperfect as they come.  A constant work in progress.  But no one in this world can 100%, every second of the day and night make me feel...

Wanted.  Loved.  Accepted. Pursued.  Cherished.

Like my Jesus does.

If you loved this post, you will love reading Jessica's infertility story & how she relied on God to provide what her heart so desperately desired. It is incredibly touching!

You can read about her infertility journey here. 

A Testimony of God's Love and Grace

Hello!

I am so honored that Tonya asked me to share about God's love in my life.

What a wonderful series she is doing during the month of October!

My name is Cyndi, and I blog at Walking in His Grace.

I have many times seen in real tangible ways the love God has for me.

I share about them at Walking in His Grace because I hope they will

encourage other women to look and see just how much God loves them too!

This month I'm celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary.

Our marriage is a testimony of the love and grace of God.

In 1990 I was a divorced 24 year old with two children.

I felt like a failure and I had no idea if God could or even

would ever want to use me again?

Let me stop here and say that no matter how bad your past is,

God wants to use you if you will just surrender to Him.

Isaiah 1:18 says, “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord.

“Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.

Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool."

That's what is so amazing about God.......he can use anyone if they will just

believe and surrender their lives to Him. (Romans 10:9)

Although I had accepted Christ as my personal Savior when I was younger

I had not surrendered my entire life to Him.

So that's what I did and I began a real love relationship with Jesus Christ.

Several months later I met a wonderful man who at the time was a

Minister of Music and Youth. Never did I think he would be interested in me.

Let's be honest, I was divorced with two very young children.

I didn't know if God had someone for me, but if he did, it had to be someone who

not only loved me, but could also love Courtney and Cory.

Wayne not only loved us but he helped me to see that God had forgiven me

and I needed to forgive myself.

Well, as you can imagine that wonderful man is now my husband.

We have been blessed beyond measure to serve Christ through the local church.

Wayne is now a Senior Pastor and our desire is to share the love, grace,

and forgiveness of Jesus Christ with everyone.

If you would like to read my entire testimony of grace you can find it here.

I hope today you will know that God loves YOU and he desperately wants

a relationship with YOU!

Thank you again Tonya for allowing me to share over here at your beautiful blog!

Walking in His Grace,

Because God Knows Best....{Day 24}

Hey everyone!

My name is Autumn and I blog at Sunflower Hill.

Over the years I have come to accept the fact that I am truly the everyday cliché you hear about women and how they can talk, talk, talk.  I usually have an opinion or story of some sorts about anything you want to talk about.  So, needless to say, when Tonya asked me to write a story about a time where I felt God’s love, I gladly accepted.  That was an easy task.

I gave it some thought, and thought, and thought and then, in a blink, we were in October!  I missed my deadline and found myself apologizing for not coming through.  Apologizing more than once.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.  I have surely felt God’s love more times than I could probably account for, but all of a sudden, I was blank.  Blank for almost a month.  How does this happen?  How can a woman who has a lot to say, suddenly have nothing to say?

And even bigger, this was happening in all aspects of my life.  I was finding myself silent in the most unusual of places.  It was a few weeks ago that I had one of the most important meetings of my career and I was worried I would bomb it.  I feared I would get in and draw a blank.  Go silent.  I feared I would look like a complete idiot and all potential faith in me would be lost with my silence.

So, like we all do, I began praying that God would help me in that area.  I asked him to give me the Holy Spirit and to just let it take me over.  Let it work inside me and speak for me and pull God’s word from my heart and all the teachings he had given me flow. 

This meeting actually took place in the field.  It was a car ride and they were in the driver’s seat.  Literally.  We did our normal greetings, I got in the car and my husband jumped in the back seat.  We started driving, had meaningless small talk and then it happened.  I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, ask, or even sing at that point.  I was blank.  The thing is though, it was a peaceful “blank”.  I can’t remember worrying about it.  The ride was silent about 90% of the time, and the rest was small talk that most would consider meaningless.  It was oddly silent but surprisingly perfect I’d later learn.

On the way home from the meeting I remembered talking to God and asking why it was he didn’t come through for me and if he did, to please let me know how because I couldn’t see it.  I thanked him for not letting it be akward, but it just hadn’t gone as I had thought it would.  I surely didn’t come from it feeling confident.  I didn’t ask any questions, I didn’t answer any questions, I didn’t even leave anything about the capabilities of the project.  It was what I would normally call unproductive and a waste of time.  

About a week later, in another ordinary car ride, God revealed to me his works.  He had given me exactly what I had asked for and I just hadn’t been able see it.  He shut me up.  On purpose.  He took every thought I would have probably had and he removed them.  Here I am asking God to just let the perfect words flow from my mouth and he’s laughing, getting the duct tape ready.   

In the end, I received the call I was looking for.  As God already knew, the meeting went perfectly and they had thoroughly enjoyed themselves that evening.  It was a nice peaceful drive enjoying God’s country without all the corporate talk and that in itself was exactly what it should have been.  And you know, ever since, I have come to embrace my new found silence.  Isn’t he amazing?  I love you God.  And because of your never ending grace, I know you love me too.